“Happy Valentine’s Day. Good news, good news today — so far Dick Cheney has not shot anybody.” –David Letterman

“Everybody is in the Valentine’s mood. For example, earlier today Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow.” –David Letterman

“The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer. While he was lying there on the ground he actually handed himself his own business card.” –Jay Leno

“After Whittington had a heart attack, Cheney said, “You big baby. I get those all the time. Walk it off.” –Jay Leno

“Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word potato?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Police are still investigating. They want to know why Cheney was unable to see the hunter at the time of the accident. And, they also want to know how Cheney wound up with his wallet.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The administration has been getting a lot of criticism for how they handled the situation. First, they didn’t tell the media for almost a full day after it happed. The White House press corps was furious. They expect to be told when the vice president shoots a 78-year-old man in the face.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they’re going to have to tell the president.” –David Letterman

“When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!” –Jay Leno

“The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he’s fine. He took a little in the wallet.” –David Letterman