- A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
- He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- A calendar’s days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.
NOTE: No trees were killed in the creation of this web page, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
The following is courtesy of Jim Neaves:
- He had a pro gram in his computer because he loved his grandma
- Considering the evi-dense, the jury concluded the accused was not too bright
- The grocery store clerk said you had to go to Office Depot to buy staples
- When the buyer failed to make payment on the Golden dog he bought, the breeder had to retriever
- The cobbler decided he could make double the money by charging per suade shoe
- There was a slight paws before the dog ran off
From Karen Reid: These are all lexophiles from me and my son. Written in 2017 mostly.
The archeologists were digging for a statue of Julius Caesar but the result was a bust.
They knew what to expect when praying to the goddess Lakshmi, because forewarned is four-armed.
The shipmate with the gold watch was the newest hire but he turned out to be a second hand.
Autumn was supposed to be a drought but ended up a waterfall.
They found the chest full of money buried in the ‘rive droite’ because it was the Right Bank.
When they found the deer hiding in the rock pile, it was their quarry.
The politician turned out to have feet of clay, so they were about to fire him.
A fresh fish dinner two days before Easter is good fry day.
Having too many laying hens on the farm is a chicken and egg problem.
Did you hear the one about the rooster who thought he was a matador? It was a cock and bull story.
Angeleno out on a dog walk near Pt. Mugu Naval Air Station: UCLA, well ICBM.
The drunk tripped and dropped his bottle of Johnnie Walker. He couldn’t hold his liquor.
If you play Scrabble with alphabet soup letters, you might have to eat your words.
The ultimate self referential:
A scheme to trick people with funny sayings is a lexicon.
His every pronouncement was on the straight and narrow because he was the ruler.
At every ball game, he had a handle, because he was the pitcher.
The nurse hired by the famous plastic surgeon told her friends she got a great nose job.
If you are selling apes on the black market you are into monkey business.
Why is a horse like an insect? It has two legs behind and fore legs in front.
When the monkey stopped breathing, they were able to rhesusitate him.
They tried to upgrade the software, but it was just window(s) dressing.
The baker threw the shortening across the kitchen to her sous chef because they wanted to watch the butter fly.
When the horse showed up in my bedroom at 2 a.m. it was a night mare.
When the east coast doctor suggested hot bath soaks for her sore rib muscles, he was recommending the intercostal water way.
She still enjoyed sex with her boyfriend even though there was a vas deferens between them.
The guy who tested deodorants for a living worked in the olfactory.
When the German adulterer got up and went straight to the deli, he went from bed ro wurst.
(Tom’s version). The German got out of the bath and went to the deli. He went from bad to wurst.
From Nate Reid: (my son)
Do you carry chicken broth? Yes it’s in stock.
Sacramento’s population is bringing lots of new tax revenue: capitol gains.
Who’s that consulting company that’s really fucking us? Accenture.
What’s another name for cross pollination? Cropulation
Here about that Aboriginal musician who committed murder? Well, digeridoo it or not?
I see that wood in every home center, it must be poplar.
What does Captain Picard fear most when leaving the bathroom? Klingons
Who’s that skater that’s in the news once more? I guess we Nancy Kerrigan (ooph, not so great)
I hate how that New Zealand artist brags about her fame, she really Lordes it over you.
The mobster with the spotty past? Yeah, Domino him.
Your perfume smells divine, I should get to nose you better (Chanda’s)
Here are my lexophiles (from a couple of years ago. Enjoy!!!)
Karen, these are great! Thank you for sharing.