Alan Greenspan Scared As Hell

He may have been replaced by Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, but this parody still holds true under the new administration.

July 16, 2002 – Washington, D.C.
By Daryl C. DuLong, Staff Writer


In a speech before the Senate Banking Committee in Washington on July 16, 2002, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan, pictured at right, stated that he has, “… no freakin’ clue what the Hell is up with the economy.” Investors in the gallery looked on as a rattled Greenspan flailed his arms and screamed at members of the Banking Committee. He cited todays investors as being “lazy, irresponsible, and guilty of ruining [his] perfect track record.” Greenspan noted that he has enjoyed a considerable length of time as the Untouchable Man, but now he, too, must divulge that he sold ImClone just a few hours before Martha Stewart.

The stock markets have often relied on Greenspan’s mood to act as a catalyst for that day’s trading session. “I remember one time he got into a minor accident on his way to work,” says former floor trader Mike Wachowski. “He came in all livid and the markets lost three percent across the board. That was wild.”

With the broader markets all seeing new 5-year lows, many investors, both at their desks and on the trading floors, often look at Greenspan as a beacon of guidance and hope. “Not so anymore,” says Ginny Talbert, economic analyst for CNBC-TV. “Greenspan has gone off the deep end, which leaves everything up in the air. Personally I’m moving all of my money to Australian companies.” When asked if that would be a smart move, Talbert replied, “Foster’s – Australian for ‘not in the hole’.”

Though the future remains very much uncertain, Greenspan’s instability and general laissez-faire approach can not be helping battered consumer confidence levels. According to key economic analysts in New York, Greenspan’s "failure to get a grip" might cost the Dow 1,000 points in the short term, a risk most bears are willing to accept. "I love it when Greenspan has no clue how to fix corporate America. I make a lot of cash," said a hedge-fund trader at Morgan-Stanley Dean Witter.

Greenspan could not be reached for comment.


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